How expectations impact your life and inner peace (plus six ways I’m handling it).
On Expectations
2020: Living in a global pandemic. Social distancing. Video calls. Societal injustice upheaval. This year has had immense challenges.
Believe it or not, it has also had its perks (hear me out!). We’ve had the opportunity for internal reflection, and that information is invaluable. We simply can’t go back to the way things were, and the awakening has been massive.
I've been reading personal development books to gain new perspectives beyond my own. One thing’s for sure, I’ve never needed self-help books more than I have this year.
My current focus is learning more about expectations. Did you journal about your 2020 goals back in January? How many of those actually panned out the way you’d planned, and, how did it affect you mentally? How do our expectations impact our lives, perceptions, and peace? I decided that my findings would be the perfect place to start for my first blog post.
We’ve been forced to navigate uncharted waters right now. Tidal waves of broken expectations, unlearning, and reprogramming. Plus, disappointment from the onslaught of cancellations and disruptions in our normal routines.
It's a LOT.
I’d love to unpack this, and share how I've managed my expectations to pivot through 2020.
I read a book titled Happy written by Derren Brown, has been a key book on my quest to break down how expectations impact us.
In Happy, Brown likened expectations, to tennis. He explains:
“The key is to remember that game of tennis: You still try to the best of your abilities. You play as well as you can. That realm of your thoughts and actions is under your control. […] But, don't ultimately emotionally commit yourself to the outcome. That is out of your hands. You are not playing to necessarily win, you’re just playing as well as you possibly can.”
In sports, we accept the “I’ll do my best. Whatever happens, happens" attitude. We practice, play our best, but whether we win or lose the game isn’t within our control, (and we are totally okay with that!)
What if we implemented this philosophy of doing as well as we can and that being enough into 2020? And not only this year, but, always?
Wouldn’t this release unnecessary pressure?
First Dates and Heartbreaks
Let’s sink deeper into this thought about expectations:
Take a first date—
We can agree to being set up on a blind date.
We can prepare our funny anecdotes for the candle-lit conversation.
We can arrive at the restaurant on time.
But, beyond that, fate is in control.
We can’t control how that first date will go. And we definitely aren't in control of if they end up being our soulmate or not. To burden our minds with expecting the world would create anxiety for something that’s out of your hands.
A few years ago, I went through a terrible breakup. In the throws of my heartbreak, confusion, and anger, I did the one thing we can all relate to doing: Scroll Instagram to try and feel better. (Spoiler alert: That never works).
But, it I did stumble upon a quote that stuck with me: "They didn’t break your heart, just your expectations.”
I sat with that truth... It was a perspective I'd never considered before. I was so busy grieving a future I’d spent years crafting in my mind as my happy ending. I threw a terrible-two temper tantrum when I didn’t get my way. This quote helped me I realize my eggs had all been in one big, expectation-filled basket.
As Derren Brown puts it, “anger is just proof of how unrealistic your expectations were.”
All my joy was dependent on those dreams with an ex coming to fruition. (I’m sure you can see why it was such a recipe for emotional disaster when it ended).
My perspectives have expanded since then. I’ve now implemented those new expectations to handle 2020’s unmet expectations.
Here are six ways I am readjusting my expectations and nurturing my inner peace this year:
1. Expectations and “Normal”.
There is nothing “normal” about 2020. And when the clock strikes 2021, things won't magically revert to the way they once were. We're experiencing an upheaval of normalcy. So, to expect you or your family and friends to show up as we all “normally” would is tone deaf to the very real burdens of 2020. We don’t know the battles others are facing, and nobody is operating as they normally would. So stop being so hard on others (and yourself) if they're not showing up the way you once expected them to. Because, they won’t. Everybody is doing the best they can. Compassion is a must as we adapt to this ‘new normal’.
2. Expectations and Mental Wellness / Self-Care
I’ve experienced listlessness, burnout, panic attacks, and nightmares since March. I’ve needed more mental health nurturing than I expected I would back in January 2020! I’ve managed it by prioritizing daily self-care. Here are a few practices:
Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day
Spending time outside
Reading books
Baths
Meditating/grounding practices
Unplugging from Social media
Painting, cooking new recipes, and anything that requires my full attention for creation
Writing (like starting this blog post!) also, journaling, gratitude records, etc.
Virtual therapy sessions
Volunteering and donating my time
While no two days are alike, alternating these definitely help on any given day!
3. Expectations and Making Plans
Making plans three months from now? Expecting them to pan out is setting yourself up for an unmet expectations.
Things have changed rapidly, it's hard to keep up! I'm taking a one-day-at-a-time approach, and it’s saving me lots of disappointment. It’s time to pay homage to the cancelled events, celebrations, and gatherings of 2020....And we do that with #4:
4. Expectations and Gratitude
GRATITUDE. I have a newfound, sobering appreciation for in-person moments and how amazing they feel now that they've stopped! Long gone are the days of taking for granted the joy of traditions, the ability to travel without thinking twice, meals with loved ones, and, hugs (who else misses hugs!). The key is realizing how grateful you are for having had it. And, gratitude for what IS right in front of you— I’m thankful for the small, approved-gatherings that have been able to happen this year. I’ve also grown crystal clear on the events I WANT to plan, versus, the ones I was making from social obligation. Less taking for granted, more gratitude, more clarity on what matters.
5. Expectations and Work
Working from home doesn’t mean work is easier. Homeschooling, higher anxiety, operating under pre-covid deadlines, lack of coworker interaction - it adds up! You may even discover you are unfulfilled in the work you do. 2020 has forced us to redefine our relationships with work, and that is a GOOD thing. If 2020 life is not normal, (which it isn’t), then come to terms with what you can handle in this new normal. You are not the same person you were eight months ago, so, your threshold has likely changed. Work circumstances are not “business as usual" because 2020 is completely UNusual. So why would you expect to operate as if that weren’t true? It’s critical to acknowledge this reality for your sanity, and communicate your needs to your teams.
6. Expectations and Relationships
A girls night is cathartic for the soul. Family holidays warm the heart. Date nights bring us closer to ourselves or our partner. But we’re not experiencing them the way we expected to this year. Some ways I’ve pivoted:
Homemade moment. Making home-made pasta dough and sauce with my man instead of going out to our fav Italian restaurant due to closures. It’s a lot of fun; we make a mess, eat second helpings, and get to enjoy that quality time that comes with collaboration.
Planning a girls night over a video call (wine and snacks most def make an appearance) to catch up.
Using Apps to organize a virtual game night (we are loving Monopoly with my family back home!)
FaceTime with my mom as she puts up the Christmas decoration around the house
These things can't replace the in-person experience or ambiance. But, I’m willing to make the effort for these special people in my life.
Toxic Positivity and Going with The Flow
This thought from Derren Brown sticks with me:
“To lower our expectations, is to greatly reduce our anger. If we don’t expect things to work out brilliantly, we’ll be less frustrated when they don’t. […] It may sound pessimistic, and in a sense, it is! But it’s a life-enhancing form of pessimism.”
Not into life-enhancing pessimism?
Well, I encourage you to consider the alternative:
It can't all be rainbows and unicorns. "Good vibes only" is a blanket of blame if you're struggling. We don’t need more shame for acknowledging when things are hard. Choosing to see the full spectrum of emotions, not just the good vibes, enhances our experience. Toxic positivity does more harm than the good it sells us. Feel your feels.
I find myself embracing the fluidity of the stoic philosophy. Gratitude for what is and was, without attachments or expectations.
I have released my rigidity. I'm loosening my metaphorical grip on life as I’d planned it, and I can FEEL my peace returning as a result.
Going Forward
There's a lot we can take away from in the face of these events - or lack thereof - in 2020, and turn them into moments of growth.
As I said, upheaval has its perks. How are you moving forward and adapting to reality beyond your previous expectations?
We have needed this shattering. We've needed to create brand new perspectives that serve us in this new level of ourselves. Let’s tune inward and get curious about our reactions. Most importantly, let’s learn how to stop tying our happiness to external factors, because we truly don’t have control over how they turn out.
If we can manage our expectations, then, we stand a fighting chance at shifting from flailing within the 2020 tidal waves, to learning how to surf.
Cheers to you! And to embracing the peaceful, even-keel waters within us.